RUNNING WORRIES: CONCERNS OF A SWEATY PERSON

Worries might be too strong of a word.  If I were to rewrite the title to better reflect the following ramble, perhaps it would be “My Brain Wanders to Gross and Embarrassing Things While I’m Running.” And if this were a more inspiring blog (like the one implied by that awesome stock photo), I’d advise myself to push these thoughts away.  “Guuurrrrl, focus on the positive! Everything is awesome.  Look at you, you #goddess.  You’re like a less racist, and Asian American version of Pocahantas, searching for what’s around the river bend.”  Spoiler alert, that simile makes zero sense in this context and this isn’t that kind of blog.

But seriously, I think when we’re running we have two streams of consciousness occurring.  First is the forefront stream:  our inner narrative.  We’re talking to ourselves (lololol if I’m alone on this. And if I am, THEN THIS IS A JOKE).  I think this is where the positivity–or attempted positivity– happens.  But I also think there’s a background stream going on, sort of like apps on your phone working even if they’re not open.  This is where my brain wanders to gross and embarrassing things.

I don’t go through an entire run focusing on how much crotch and butt sweat is seeping through my pants.  If my loudest thoughts during a run were about how sweaty I get, I wouldn’t be able to run.  Guys, I wait until I’m done running to let those thoughts run free through my brain.  And then I sit down on the subway because I’m #letired and think the whole time, “When I stand up, everyone’s going to think I pissed my pants.”  And then I do stand up.  Not only does everything think I pissed my pants, but there is a visible butt sweat condensation on the seat.  YOU’RE WELCOME HUMANS OF THE 7 TRAIN.  And if it’s during baseball season, IDGAF because all the Long Islanders are taking the 7 to Citi Field and ruining my commute anyway.

I digress.  I hope you’re all sitting, because this post is probably longer than you thought it would be (thanks 3 people who made it this far).

Besides my abundant butt sweat, I also get to worry about my period every month.  Got a speed work on day two?  WELL BUCKLE UP NICOLE, THIS RUN WILL PRODUCE ALL THE CORTISOL.  Who cares, you ask.  Women menstruate.  It’s 2017, don’t be ashamed of your period!  DUH I KNOW THESE THINGS.  It’s just that Oiselle’s spandos are fucking expensive.  AND they’re white on the inside.  Why would they do that?  The new rundies Sunday pair is white too.  DA FUQ?!  I literally own no nice underwear because Aunt Flow is unpredictable and volatile.  So when I run in spandos during flow’s visit, I’m thinking “I’m definitely bleeding through.  Jesus christ I need to get home to rinse these pants.  DEAR GOD LET THE LAUNDRY ROOM HAVE AN OPEN MACHINE.”

I’m not even going to focus on my fear of pooping my pants for this post.  It goes without saying.  But I will say THINX underwear helped quiet these concerns.  I know they’re for your flow, but I got them to try and soak up my butt sweat so I could wear cottony-matte tights or colored tights when running #sorrynotsorry.  And I just think that the plus side to THINX is that they also mop up flow’s surprises or act as a diaper if the worst happens.

I swear I’m a functioning adult.   Also lololololol, if this made everyone too grossed out to ever return to this blog.